… despite our best intentions, the to-do list we set ourselves remains undone. Instead we laze in bed with loved ones, enjoy brunches made by others, watch mindless TV, rent movies and cook up comfort food for dinner. Add to that grey and overcast weather and you have yourself an extra layer of contentment.

Sometimes that’s all that weekends should be. How was yours?

P.S. If you have one, sometimes you hit the hot-tub too.

I’m curious, do you have a bucket list? I can’t say I do per se though I’m sure I have one in my head somewhere. It’s probably full of all the typical things many of us hope to do before we err… kick the bucket.

While I currently don’t have any intentions of writing one, I do like the idea behind it. I’m no stranger to wanting something but holding back because of fear or shall we say… lack of balls. So, I thought I’d share one random thing I would like to do.

As some of you may have read, my boyfriend has brain damage. I won’t get into anymore than I already have, but having seen the devastation F.A.S.D. (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder) causes to individuals and their families, I have this need to raise more awareness about it. In fact, a year or so ago I almost packed up modernemotive to go back to school to specialize in it. Somewhere along the way I realized that while F.A.S.D. will always be in my life, I can’t live and breathe it. But, there’s lots of stuff I can do from the outside to help raise awareness.

Funnily enough, one of the reasons I left the corporate world was because I felt like I was doing absolutely nothing to better society. Sure, the money was fabulous, the pats on the back for great work were nice, blah, blah, blah… but at the end of the day, I was just putting money into the pockets of the big corporations. I stopped giving a shit if a campaign, website or competition we designed went above and beyond the expectations. I stopped giving a shit when we got awards for great design that served no purpose other than to look cool and drive sales. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the above. I still do freelance design work here and there and enjoy it. It’s just not the only driving force for me anymore.

Anyways, what do I intend to do to raise awareness? I want to take my creative skills and design these highly emotive awareness campaigns. One idea is to put together a stop-motion video. A PSA I guess you could say. I have this dream it will become one of those crazy successes both online and offline. Yes I know my expectations are set high but in reality, even if it just gives all the F.A.S.D organizations out there another tool to share their message, I’ll be happy.

What’s stopping me? Right now… lack of knowledge. A storyboard. A vision. It’ll come though… when the time is right and I can do it justice. The cogs are already turning.

So friends, tell me one thing you want to do. Perhaps it’s something no one would ever assume about you. Perhaps like me it’s something close to your heart you just need to do. Or perhaps it’s just something as simple as a wanting to visit a certain country or learn a new skill. And while you’re thinking of your answer, perhaps the more important question is… what’s holding you back?

I’m sure you’ve all heard of the ShakeIt Photo app for the iPhone. Well, I finally downloaded it and it’s addictive. It can transform the most dull photograph into something completely freakin’ cool. It’s the closest I’m probably ever going to get to a Polaroid camera so I’ll take it. Plus, for .99c how can you say no? I’m all about cheap entertainment over here.

A note about the photo above. J wrote it and sent it to me from his phone when I was having a bad day. He has a habit of doing small things like that. He’s pretty sweet huh?

P.S. Forgive me for the lame title but I couldn’t resist.

I’m slowly but surely trying to sort through the 100s of photos I have on my laptop. I can be pretty ruthless when it comes to trashing them but sometimes I’m glad I wasn’t so trigger happy with the delete button.

Post like these make me want to restart my 365 project. I kinda miss that moment in my day when I’d just put everything down and have a date with my camera. I’m also slightly obsessed with the idea of creating a stop-motion video. Something tells me my camera is going to be released from it’s neglected spot on the shelf any day now.

A couple of weekends ago, J and I went on what was supposed to be an hour long dog walk. We decided to try out one of the Toronto Discovery Walks. We took the Don Valley Hills & Dales route. Before we knew it 1 hour had turned into 8 hours. It was such a beautiful and sunny day. One that ended with sore feet, sun burn and exhaustion but one that was worth every minute.

Every so often we’d jump down to the creek to dip our feet in the water. While Riley refused to swim (he’d only go in so far), Bosco and Kayden took full advantage of the chance to cool down.

There were many breaks under the cool shelter of the trees.

When this particular trail ended, we just wanted to keep going and so we took the Eastern Ravine & Beaches trail and ended the day down at the lake.

A perfect ending to a perfect day.

Photo’s taken with my iPhone

I thought I’d be still be married.
I’m not. We got married young and essentially grew up together in our 20s. We just grew in different directions. I’m okay with that. I’m thankful we can still be friends and like I have, I hope he finds the one he can’t imagine being without.

I thought I’d have kids. Probably 3.
I don’t but I have 3 beautiful huskies. That probably 3 has now gone down to probably 2. I’m hoping for number 1 within the next 2 years.

I thought I’d have the “big house”.
I’ve had two with the second being the 2000+ square footer. It was the dream house you could say. I was sad to leave it but a big house doesn’t buy you happiness, fix relationship issues nor always feel “like home”. It’s just bricks and mortar and simply gives you shelter. The same shelter any sized home can give you. I’m starting to love my condo. It’s the only place I want to call home right now.

I thought I’d be a Creative Director in an agency.
I’m not and nor do I want to be. I realized that about 3 years ago. The corporate world isn’t for me. Some might say I’m the Creative Director of my own company. But the reality is, titles mean nothing, it’s what you do to contribute that matters. I’m just another person trying to run their own business. It’s tough, humbling and never easy, but I’m trying and I know somewhere along the way I’ll land my feet.

I thought I’d having plenty of savings for whatever my heart desires.
I did until I quit my job. Watching the number drop each month was scary. It still is. I wasn’t the smartest when it came to budgeting and continued to live my life as though I was pulling in $$$ a month. I’ve made some stupid mistakes when it comes to money management. Opting for nights out (lots of them) versus using the money to finally make my condo a home or take care of myself. I know my priorities have been wrong and I’m working on changing that.

I used to wonder if quitting my job was a mistake. I dabbled with the idea of entering the agency world again. Like clockwork, around the same time full-time agency opportunities were landing in my inbox (and still do) and I couldn’t even bring myself to respond. I knew then I’d made the right decision.

I thought I’d be finally comfortable in my own skin.
Some days I am, some days I’m not. Like everyone, I have days where my self-confidence is low. I used to place so much importance on my external self – the clothes, the weight etc. Having battled both anorexia and bulimia, even when I had the perfect body… the clothes… I still wasn’t always comfortable. I’m now working on my internal self which I realize will always be a lifelong to-do item. Trying to constantly achieve perfection within yourself is like shooting at a moving target.

… while I’m not where I thought I would be, I wouldn’t change a single thing.

Would you?

Photo Credit: youfuji

A couple of years ago I attended a conference here in Toronto and Hillman Curtis was one of the speakers. Strangely enough I don’t recall the conference (an RDG one I believe) nor the topic of his lecture but I do remember this short film.

It moved me immediately and it still does today. If I try to sum up why words often escape me. My interpretation of it shifts. Today, this is my interpretation:

What does it mean to you?

So it’s only taken me 2 years but I’m FINALLY getting my condo together. Some of you may recall I went on a similar mission last year but said mission derailed once we’d finished painting. But not this time. Not this time!!!

Pieces are already picked out and just need to be purchased. We finally got the flat-screen TV we’ll be mounting onto a wall and below will be an IKEA hack idea I had for a media unit. After much indecision, I’ve finally decided on accent colors – isn’t that the hardest part? There’s nothing stopping us now.

Here’s a mood-board of what I’m envisioning for my main living area. I wanted to keep the walls gray (they are currently a very light gray) as I’m working with exposed concrete ceilings and a pillar. Then to add a punch of color, I plan on accenting with yellows and teals.  I love, love, love it!

I’m so glad I was able to work the Toronto Ork Poster into the theme. I think it’s the perfect room to give it a home. Obviously I’ll be adding more wall items but that in itself is a hard task so I need to think about it some more. I have the Pottery Barn chairs. Two of them in fact. They aren’t ideal for condo dwelling (they are oversized) but I can’t bare to part with them. There’s also a dining table (I have an open concept condo) that compliments the theme perfectly with cute leather chairs.

Like last time, I plan on sharing the whole process with you. We’re slated to start two weeks from now and it could not come soon enough. Though I wouldn’t mind skipping the whole re-painting part. Something tells me it’ll be worth it though. It already feels like home!

Stay tuned.

Call me a nutbar but the innocent flowers below reminded me about something I think we all tend to forget here and there. No, I’m not a flower whisperer but let me explain.

See, I had a bad day on Monday. It happens. We all go there. I actually think it’s good to go there once in a while. Keeps you humble and aware of your weaknesses. It reminds you of the things you need to work on as well as things you just need to accept are part of your personal make-up. Anyway…

James knew was I was at my wits end that day and picked up these flowers at a subway stop to cheer me up (he did a doubly nice thing as the proceeds went to charity). Well, as we didn’t get home until late at night, I neglected them until the next day. Oops! By mid-morning the poor things looked like there was no hope for them. They were as limp as could be and had no strength to hold themselves up. Wanting to give them a chance, I put them in water anyway.

Later in the day, I went on a mission. I’d caught wind of another potential printer I could work with. So, rather than call/email, I just walked right in to their office with print outs of my products and laid in all on the line. I was nice but firm. I was confident but not arrogant. I was not willing to walk away until my hope was restored. It’s restored. I won’t say anything else just in case I jinx myself but I will say I may not need a Plan B. Wish me luck!

When I returned home, I was prepping for dinner and happened to look over at the flowers. They had bounced back strong and confident. Sure, they had a moment of weakness but with a little nurturing they found their inner strength.

So, those flowers reminded me of the importance of nurturing myself. To listen to what I need. We all have days were the hurdles seem too high to jump over. Eventually we bounce back. We always do.

So, about those new products. While technically I could go ahead with them, I’m having a hard time navigating the pros and cons of going ahead now vs waiting. If I go ahead and print them digitally, I CAN’T wholesale them, BUT I can test them. If I go ahead with off-set printing so I CAN wholesale, I run the risk of having a large inventory that I CAN’T move at a reasonable rate. Of course, they aren’t the only pros and cons, but they are the ones weighing most heavily on my mind.

My biggest goal here is to set myself up for wholesaling. Realistically, I can’t justify running modernemotive another year without it. This isn’t just for financial reasons but also a need for me to justify why the heck I’m here. I feel as though I’m losing that vision with each week that passes.

While some may argue I’ve already seen some success, I can’t sustain myself or my business at the rate I’m going. I say some because in the grand scale of things guys, let’s face it, it’s minimal. In part, this is my fault. I’ve been in and out of my business since January 2009 for personal reasons and I need to either commit to it 110% now or quite frankly, get out.

While I am looking at a Plan B, I invested so much time and energy into these new products I can’t see it. Did someone turn the lights out? I was already nervous about introducing these new products and this spanner in the works is allowing the self-doubt to take on a stronger hold. I’ve barely done a thing in the last few weeks. My tip of the day – this isn’t how you move a business forward.

Ugh, it’s days like today that I regret being so honest about the “behind the scenes” of modernemotive. I feel as though I’ve built such a “buzz” around my relaunch and I’m not sure how to move forward. I stepped away in January promising “big things” and 4 months later I’m at a complete standstill. I’m none the wiser than I was back then. Ugh, there I go being honest again.

When you’re at a standstill, how do you get yourself moving again and keep yourself looking forward?

Photo Credit: B Tal