I thought I’d be still be married.
I’m not. We got married young and essentially grew up together in our 20s. We just grew in different directions. I’m okay with that. I’m thankful we can still be friends and like I have, I hope he finds the one he can’t imagine being without.

I thought I’d have kids. Probably 3.
I don’t but I have 3 beautiful huskies. That probably 3 has now gone down to probably 2. I’m hoping for number 1 within the next 2 years.

I thought I’d have the “big house”.
I’ve had two with the second being the 2000+ square footer. It was the dream house you could say. I was sad to leave it but a big house doesn’t buy you happiness, fix relationship issues nor always feel “like home”. It’s just bricks and mortar and simply gives you shelter. The same shelter any sized home can give you. I’m starting to love my condo. It’s the only place I want to call home right now.

I thought I’d be a Creative Director in an agency.
I’m not and nor do I want to be. I realized that about 3 years ago. The corporate world isn’t for me. Some might say I’m the Creative Director of my own company. But the reality is, titles mean nothing, it’s what you do to contribute that matters. I’m just another person trying to run their own business. It’s tough, humbling and never easy, but I’m trying and I know somewhere along the way I’ll land my feet.

I thought I’d having plenty of savings for whatever my heart desires.
I did until I quit my job. Watching the number drop each month was scary. It still is. I wasn’t the smartest when it came to budgeting and continued to live my life as though I was pulling in $$$ a month. I’ve made some stupid mistakes when it comes to money management. Opting for nights out (lots of them) versus using the money to finally make my condo a home or take care of myself. I know my priorities have been wrong and I’m working on changing that.

I used to wonder if quitting my job was a mistake. I dabbled with the idea of entering the agency world again. Like clockwork, around the same time full-time agency opportunities were landing in my inbox (and still do) and I couldn’t even bring myself to respond. I knew then I’d made the right decision.

I thought I’d be finally comfortable in my own skin.
Some days I am, some days I’m not. Like everyone, I have days where my self-confidence is low. I used to place so much importance on my external self – the clothes, the weight etc. Having battled both anorexia and bulimia, even when I had the perfect body… the clothes… I still wasn’t always comfortable. I’m now working on my internal self which I realize will always be a lifelong to-do item. Trying to constantly achieve perfection within yourself is like shooting at a moving target.

… while I’m not where I thought I would be, I wouldn’t change a single thing.

Would you?

Photo Credit: youfuji

A couple of years ago I attended a conference here in Toronto and Hillman Curtis was one of the speakers. Strangely enough I don’t recall the conference (an RDG one I believe) nor the topic of his lecture but I do remember this short film.

It moved me immediately and it still does today. If I try to sum up why words often escape me. My interpretation of it shifts. Today, this is my interpretation:

What does it mean to you?

So it’s only taken me 2 years but I’m FINALLY getting my condo together. Some of you may recall I went on a similar mission last year but said mission derailed once we’d finished painting. But not this time. Not this time!!!

Pieces are already picked out and just need to be purchased. We finally got the flat-screen TV we’ll be mounting onto a wall and below will be an IKEA hack idea I had for a media unit. After much indecision, I’ve finally decided on accent colors – isn’t that the hardest part? There’s nothing stopping us now.

Here’s a mood-board of what I’m envisioning for my main living area. I wanted to keep the walls gray (they are currently a very light gray) as I’m working with exposed concrete ceilings and a pillar. Then to add a punch of color, I plan on accenting with yellows and teals.  I love, love, love it!

I’m so glad I was able to work the Toronto Ork Poster into the theme. I think it’s the perfect room to give it a home. Obviously I’ll be adding more wall items but that in itself is a hard task so I need to think about it some more. I have the Pottery Barn chairs. Two of them in fact. They aren’t ideal for condo dwelling (they are oversized) but I can’t bare to part with them. There’s also a dining table (I have an open concept condo) that compliments the theme perfectly with cute leather chairs.

Like last time, I plan on sharing the whole process with you. We’re slated to start two weeks from now and it could not come soon enough. Though I wouldn’t mind skipping the whole re-painting part. Something tells me it’ll be worth it though. It already feels like home!

Stay tuned.

Call me a nutbar but the innocent flowers below reminded me about something I think we all tend to forget here and there. No, I’m not a flower whisperer but let me explain.

See, I had a bad day on Monday. It happens. We all go there. I actually think it’s good to go there once in a while. Keeps you humble and aware of your weaknesses. It reminds you of the things you need to work on as well as things you just need to accept are part of your personal make-up. Anyway…

James knew was I was at my wits end that day and picked up these flowers at a subway stop to cheer me up (he did a doubly nice thing as the proceeds went to charity). Well, as we didn’t get home until late at night, I neglected them until the next day. Oops! By mid-morning the poor things looked like there was no hope for them. They were as limp as could be and had no strength to hold themselves up. Wanting to give them a chance, I put them in water anyway.

Later in the day, I went on a mission. I’d caught wind of another potential printer I could work with. So, rather than call/email, I just walked right in to their office with print outs of my products and laid in all on the line. I was nice but firm. I was confident but not arrogant. I was not willing to walk away until my hope was restored. It’s restored. I won’t say anything else just in case I jinx myself but I will say I may not need a Plan B. Wish me luck!

When I returned home, I was prepping for dinner and happened to look over at the flowers. They had bounced back strong and confident. Sure, they had a moment of weakness but with a little nurturing they found their inner strength.

So, those flowers reminded me of the importance of nurturing myself. To listen to what I need. We all have days were the hurdles seem too high to jump over. Eventually we bounce back. We always do.

So, about those new products. While technically I could go ahead with them, I’m having a hard time navigating the pros and cons of going ahead now vs waiting. If I go ahead and print them digitally, I CAN’T wholesale them, BUT I can test them. If I go ahead with off-set printing so I CAN wholesale, I run the risk of having a large inventory that I CAN’T move at a reasonable rate. Of course, they aren’t the only pros and cons, but they are the ones weighing most heavily on my mind.

My biggest goal here is to set myself up for wholesaling. Realistically, I can’t justify running modernemotive another year without it. This isn’t just for financial reasons but also a need for me to justify why the heck I’m here. I feel as though I’m losing that vision with each week that passes.

While some may argue I’ve already seen some success, I can’t sustain myself or my business at the rate I’m going. I say some because in the grand scale of things guys, let’s face it, it’s minimal. In part, this is my fault. I’ve been in and out of my business since January 2009 for personal reasons and I need to either commit to it 110% now or quite frankly, get out.

While I am looking at a Plan B, I invested so much time and energy into these new products I can’t see it. Did someone turn the lights out? I was already nervous about introducing these new products and this spanner in the works is allowing the self-doubt to take on a stronger hold. I’ve barely done a thing in the last few weeks. My tip of the day – this isn’t how you move a business forward.

Ugh, it’s days like today that I regret being so honest about the “behind the scenes” of modernemotive. I feel as though I’ve built such a “buzz” around my relaunch and I’m not sure how to move forward. I stepped away in January promising “big things” and 4 months later I’m at a complete standstill. I’m none the wiser than I was back then. Ugh, there I go being honest again.

When you’re at a standstill, how do you get yourself moving again and keep yourself looking forward?

Photo Credit: B Tal

Hey ladies and gents, the photos below are from a trip to St. Lawrence Market earlier in the week. Sadly, most of the photos didn’t come out as I’d hoped, so all I got is fruit and veg. But hey, it’s better than nothing right?

I had planned to share an awesome salad I make constantly throughout the warmer weather too, but alas it was consumed before I got a chance to take pictures. Yep, it’s that good! I’ll share it one day I promise.

I hope your weekend is going well. We’re having such a beautiful Sunday over here. I’m trying to relax as much as possible as tomorrow I’ll be embarking on Operation Plan B. I have no clue what it will entail so wish me luck. Trust me, I need it.

P.S. For the Toronto folk that go to St. Lawrence Market, I highly recommend Upper Cut Meats for your local butcher. Ask for Bob (guy pictured in the link), he’s awesome. Oh and we tried the Chicken Parmigiana sandwiches from Carousel Bakery. Delicious and FILLING!

Are you ready for Monday? What’s on your agenda?

Aaaah, you gotta love that wee emotion called self-doubt huh? There you are blazing along, confident in the path you’re taking and then – BAM! – self doubt rears it’s ugly head and pays you a visit. It’s like the friend or relative that overstays their welcome yet their presence forces you into silence and you just roll with it.

Thankfully my moments of self-doubt are few and far between as of late, but oh it’s there, it’s there. In business, heck in life, self-doubt can be debilitating. So severe it can stop you in your tracks and force you down paths that are not true to your heart. It can be hard to overcome. Hard to ignore as it can be so loud that the “what ifs” consume you and it becomes an exhausting one-way conversation with yourself.

Of course, I expect my self-doubt to be rampant over the coming weeks. With my launch approaching I can’t help but think…. will everyone be disappointed in my new products? Will they be expecting more? Is re-launching with 8 products enough? Should I wait and make it 16? What if nothing sells? What if… what it… what if?

See what I mean about that one-way conversation? With so many questions running through your head it’s often hard to hear the answers. The answers spoken from your gut. Your inner confidence telling you it’ll all be okay. Eventually you begin to hear them, but damn, someone needs to tell self-doubt to leave already. It’s noisy in here!

How do you deal with self-doubt?

Photo Credit: Daniel Y. Go

So outsourcing my printing is proving to be harder than I thought. While it’s still early May, I’m getting slightly nervous about hitting my June 1st deadline to have them all ready for retail. If I have to shift my deadline, so be it. While not ideal, I’m not willing to just  “get ‘um printed” for the sake of hitting that deadline.

The printing world is hard to navigate. It’s a whole new world of terms, specs, paper options and sometimes limitations. It’s making my head spin. Throw the ecofriendly requirements in there (FSC Certified, 100% post-consumer content which I’m pretty rigid on) and say hello to even more headaches.

Anyway, I’m somewhat digressing here as the above really isn’t the point of my post. I just had to vent it out loud briefly. Over and out on that one. :)

So, my point… I’m really surprised at how unresponsive I’m finding some printers. I’ve had printers not respond period and some drop off the face of the earth during the quoting process. Obviously, this means that particular printer is not for me, but it’s still quite surprising. Do they not care about new business? I realize I’m probably small fry to some of these guys but you’d think they’d at least respond.

It is so important for me to find a printer I can grow with. I’m looking for a partnership. Someone that gives a shit about my products and sees the potential for BOTH of us. You’d think it would be easy to find, it isn’t. Perhaps my expectations are too high.

As a result, this has really made me look at my own customer service. I’m sure it hasn’t been 100% perfect. So, I’m thinking of putting together a little private manifesto surrounding my intentions for great customer service. Even small things (such as acknowledging an email even if only to say you’ll be in touch within x amount of time) really do make a difference. I don’t want interactions with my company (regardless of who you are) to feel automated. I want/hope to provide a service that feels personal. In a nutshell, I want anyone that interacts with my company to know I give a shit. Yah, I probably could of written that last sentence with a bit more class, but sometimes you just have to throw an expletive in there. ;)

Often, especially when things are hectic, we can easily let those small things slip to the wayside and the impact on your business (and how it’s perceived) can be greater than you realize.

I mentioned some time ago that I wasn’t a fan of roses. That said, every once in a while, James will pick me up a single rose from a chap that sits outside the subway station close to our home. Typically, I shamefully do nothing with them. This week I did and do you know what? I love looking at that single rose.

Funnily enough, much like roses didn’t do it for me, neither did the photo above. Yet when I accidentally opened Adobe Bridge and there is was, I realized it wasn’t too bad after all. Is it perfect? No. But what/whom is?

There are countless blog posts talking about the fine line of blogging when it comes to sharing personal matters on a blog that is also considered a communication outlet for your business. It’s a topic I mull over in my head often.

I’ve been pretty honest on my blog and if were to put it a sliding scale, I’d say some of it has slid towards the very personal level. I consider myself a pretty open person, though obviously I keep some cards hidden and wouldn’t consider myself an open book either here and in person. Yet as the “author” and “editor” of that book, the content is mine to write. Like any book, it evolves with each chapter and it’s characters.

Though for the most part my opinion on this is clear to me, like anyone, I sometimes sway and re-evaluate that opinion. But for now, here’s mine as it stands today.

Would I ever go on a public rant about a customer? No. A client? No. A copy cat? No. I’ve personally drawn that line for myself and my business. The saying “If you’ve got nothing good to say, don’t say it” comes to mind.

But am I afraid to share my ups and downs of starting a business? No. Do I wonder if sharing that I’m unmotivated, confused, going through self-doubt either personally or professionally will be read by potential or existing clients/customers and viewed negatively. Of course. Yet that’s the risk I’ve chosen to take for the sake of wanting to be true to myself and not being afraid to share that truth. It’s these truths that are the building blocks of both me and modernemotive.

Now some might argue that the saying “If you’ve got nothing good to say, don’t say it” comes into play again here. Yet based on the feedback I’ve received via comments/emails, the sharing of my up and downs has resonated with others. It’s given them hope. Made them feel less lonely in navigating their road to self-employment and business ownership. This “connection” in return empowers me and is one of the reasons why I chose NOT to close myself up and put a smiley face on everything.

With each experience I go though I always try and look for the positive spin or lesson. I view them as way to learn more about myself. With this I garner the confidence to keep pursuing my dreams, make better decisions and build some cushioning into any falls that I will inevitably make. Why would I hide that if it can help someone else?

Where’s your fine line?

Photo Credit: Yukon White Light